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Being a gay is not as easy as everybody thinks. A friend way back in college once asked me how hard a gay’s life was. I gave him a grin and said, “Nah, my life is fun. I can do a man’s task as well as a woman's.” But eventually, after saying those words, I turned mute. Did I say those words right? Was I at the right state of mind when I told him that answer? Later that day, I came to realize that what I told him was a complete lie. “Life is fun.” Those words were ringing my ears. How dare me! Who was I to conclude that a gay’s life was fun?
Early childhood. During this phase of my life, I thought life would be like a kite, freely flying above. I played dolls with my cousins, screamed in the streets like there’s no tomorrow, endured the ants biting my feet while hiding from the hide and seek’s IT. Life was about going to school and playing with friends after.
Puberty. This was the stage where I started feeling discriminations. High school was fun. I started to be more conscious of what I wore. I started to feel infatuated with the male models of the glossy magazines. I knew there and then that I wasn’t really into girls. I started to love the tallest and hunkiest male of the campus. I couldn’t help myself but to stay on the aisle every 5:00 in the afternoon just for me to have a glimpse of his face. Rubbish! But I did that. However, after the ecstasy at school, there came to me – the bitterness of outside world. Everybody would look at my ass as I swung it while walking. I couldn’t help it. I thought of the pavement as a runway. (I had dreamed of becoming a runway model before, that’s why). I knew people were talking about how I walked and how my fingers rose while eating an “inartem” (mango fruit or tamarind fermented in black vinegar). But everytime I looked at them, they would turn away their faces and pretended to be looking at something far away from me. There was one time wherein someone screamed, “Ayy! Bakla!”. It was like a big slap on my face. I couldn’t do anything. He was cute yet stupid. I couldn’t do anything but to curse his life. “You pray that your sons will not turn to what I’ve become.”.
Early adulthood. This was the time when I entered college. And it was worse. I was academically good but outside, I was a pest. I started to feel aloof when there was a time when I rode a trycicle and there was a young man inside. When he knew I was about to be his seatmate, he immediately got out, handed his fare and rode another tryc. Looser! Did I have a skin disease? I just gave a loud sigh. How discriminating! One time in our Sociology class, one of my classmates raised a question, “Will gays enter heaven?”. I wanted to grab my thick Biology book and slam it to her head. I wanted her dead at that moment. I raised my hand and I courageously answered, “Well, God said, if you truly believe in Him, you will. And next time you ask that question, you need to make it sure that you, yourself, belong to the righteous ones.” After saying those words, I felt a little relief. However, I was continuously castigated. Some cute guys became my friends. I thought they liked the way I possessed myself but I was wrong. Suddenly, they needed encoder of their research papers, a reporter of their group experiment and the worst, they needed my dorm mate’s cellular phone number. Imbecility.
Present. Life is not fun at all. Who would dare to shout “Ay, mayla!”? Some narrow minded people of course. But as usual, I couldn’t do anything than to raise my middle finger and say, “Nammet!” There are still sharp stares, degrading words, and gender marginalization.
At present, I am acquainted with a lot of gays in the city. Most of them are pretty and well mannered. When we have time to be together, we talk of life’s blessings and beauty. We talk of boys. We talk of money. We talk of health and wellness. And then we talk of life’s bitterness. After which, we come to one common question, “Why can’t they totally accept us?”
Yes, I admit gays have some faults and flaws. But those aren’t enough to set aside our stand in the society. May you have time to think of our part in the community. We are the colors of the universe. We give laughter. We extend your horizon. We beautify you. We make simple things magnificent. Do you really realize those? If yes, we thank you. If not, we still thank you. (Maybe you are better than us.)
No government has the right to tell its citizens when or whom to love. Everybody's journey is individual. If you fall in love with a boy, you fall in love with a boy. It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses. Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself. And at the end of the day, the important thing is not the object of love, but the emotion itself.
*I dedicate this article to all my gay friends. Keep on soaring. This is our life, not theirs.
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